Participation Over Performance

What's natural takes less and gives back more.

Photo by Frankie Carino.

Just around my 40th birthday, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I sat in a windowless room with my assessor, a woman who still lives in my mind as Miss Crawley from the movie “Sing.” Like a lot of parents, my initial pursuit was helping our son understand how his own mind and behavior are related. The more I learned about neurodivergence, the more I recognized it in myself.

The test was elaborate, and I breezed through puzzles, mental math, and memory cards. Then came the “continuous performance” part: press the spacebar when a certain letter appears for fifteen minutes straight. That’s a lot of time for one signal and one button. Around the six-minute mark, my mind drifted off and my finger went rogue. I couldn’t believe I had to keep sitting there and doing this! Miss Crawley looked up and said, “Well, I think that seals it.”

My first feeling was relief. Finally, an explanation for how my brain worked and why holding everything together had always taken so much energy. I’m part of a wave of women being diagnosed now, often in motherhood and often without the outward signs of fidgeting or disruptiveness. I was the opposite: the diligent student, the achiever, the one who’s always early (or else I’d be late). But that came at a cost, given the systems we learn and work in are predominantly built for output, not individual flourishing.

Over the past few years, I’ve learned to follow my insatiable curiosity, to trust the ways I connect dots that others might not see, and to honor the rhythm I need to think and create, even when it isn’t the most efficient. I also try to laugh when I misplace the keys or glasses that are already in my hand or on my head. Progress, for me, now means participating in who I am, not just performing to get more done.

Psychologist Rollo May once said, “The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it’s conformity.”

I think that insight’s worth spending time with. Conformity blocks the natural order of things, human or otherwise. In nature, sameness leads to collapse; diversity keeps an ecosystem alive. When we twist ourselves to fit narrow ideas of success or belonging, we lose the creativity and connection that make us whole. Everyone should feel whole.

There’s a time and place for performance, of course, but it should always be born out of real participation from real people bringing things that aren’t so filtered to the table. That’s how meaningful collaboration and creation happens.

I suspect a lot of human vitriol comes from people at war with themselves. When humans bury quirks, desires, or fears, that energy doesn’t disappear. It leaks out as control, moralizing, or judgement of others, eventually hardening into groupthink that keeps everyone smaller.

I’m sharing all of this because I encounter so many brilliant people struggling with it. In case you need a reminder today, no one else is allowed to write your script, and your truest script is absolutely wonderful, I’m sure of it. Live it as honestly as you can, and it invites other to do the same.

So, the next time you feel like you're performing a lot more than participating in who you are, go for a walk and consider: 

What would being a little more true to me look like right now? Then go for it, again and again.

P.S. Thank you to Jessi Hempel for encouraging me to write this <3